Dear readers, be aware this is a Dragon Age 2 Console review, not PC.

What happens when Bioware has a good thing? They have to fix it, yes, fix that unbroken piece of joy they once had.

So we see the second installment arrive with much, by those who didn’t play the demo – anticipation. So where did this put me?
It put me on the spiky dildo of realisation that I have to play it knowing I’ll more than likely hate it. And while I get to pick what I review, I felt that the company produced bollocks has been complete lies.

The story is delivered in a past-tense style, a fat dwarf with a funny accent sits on a chair chatting away to some broad who doesn’t seem very friendly, so what’s the main flaw with this? Well aside from being boring as sin, the only good thing of the game (Which I will explain later) is non-existent in these segments. The boring, dull acting and unconvincing actions all mangle together like a child-smoothie, hard, bad, but fun to laugh at.

One drastic change was the battle system, the first game had you utilize tactics, special moves and well thought-out strategies. Now however, I notice several things, you CAN put in tactics, but the party will run around like headless chickens doing the opposite of what you tell them until it’s too late. Here’s an example, I asked a mage to cast a fire spell when I was being attacked, on the enemy attacking me obviously. I found myself running around in circles screaming “SHOOT THE DAMN FUCKING OGRE YOU GIANT PIECE OF SHIT!” Eventually I turned around and shot it in the foot a few times, it charged me dealing a hefty sum of damage and as I recover I notice it’s on fire, and while I didn’t die it was still bloody annoying.

But this doesn’t really matter because while playing I noticed, that I don’t need tactics, I don’t need other buttons, I only need the standard attack. There was no need to sneak around the back to deal extra damage, there was no need to use my warrior to fend off while I defend my mage and pick them off with a bow. At one stage I had to take out an entire dungeon with three people because I clicked accept before I took the whole party, I didn’t come close to death. At all.

So what of the story, well when it isn’t being told by an ugly dwarf it has to be good – right? No.
It holds the slightest link to the first game, people whine about decisions I didn’t make in the first game, despite having imported my save. One even whined about making him get rid of his cat (Ring a bell?) Which I did not, I loved that cat!

So I assume you figured out who I was talking about earlier, with the cat and such, well he’s not the only character that I welcomed with open arms, sadly they’ve ruined them too! The characters aren’t the funny comic-relief people we came to love, they are now just boring sods who rant on about nothing. But one did something, something that inexplicably well and truthfully made me trust my team. (*Cough cough*)

I found myself face to face with a whore, a magic whore! Who made me put a knife to my throat, and as I stand there in the mercy of her I noticed I have a choice to make, I can ask someone to help me, and he does. But wait, something is wrong here, he shouts “Let go of my friend” . Now, I may not have many friends and the ones I do have may be made of plastic but if I find one with a knife to his throat I don’t sit there and wait until he asks me for help. It’s from there I knew I could trust my team, I mean you know they almost watched me die and didn’t help until I asked for it.

Just as an extra point to the AI, when you’re toddling about with your “peeps” and have a chinwag with people, if they find out that your “peeps” are mages they suddenly wet themselves, now I’ve never seen a mage in real life but when someone is walking around in robes and a staff I can usually work out that they’re magic users, especially if they’ve just used magic to kill an ambush.

Now, there’s always been optional text in Bioware’s games, but they seem to have reverted, they do practically nothing now. Options lead to the same conclusion usually, and it’s all just a blundering mess to be quite honest.

Think back, to the start of this review I mentioned that there was one good thing, the graphics. They’re pretty naff in cut scenes, where it matters mostly. But when you’re walking around battling, the scenery around you is pretty nice.

Okay, so to conclude, if someone threw golden shit at me, I wouldn’t like it, but I’d be happy it was gold. If someone threw a golden copy of Dragon Age 2 at me, I would turn it into golden shit.

Games: Dragon Age 2, Platforms: Xbox 360, Genres: RPG, Publishers: Electronic Arts, Developers: Bioware